There once was a woman who deeply wanted something in her personal life.
She deeply wanted to be happily married, and she was not. Oh, she was married all right, and she had two small children, and to many people on the "outside" she had an enviable life. Many women told her how much they wished they had a marriage like hers.
What other women didn't know what how unhappy her marriage was on the inside - between just she and her husband. She deeply wanted to feel secure, and loved for herself ~ as the woman and person she was. She wanted a partner who was really in their marriage, and committed to her and their family first, more than his outside interests, work and friends.
She wanted to feel that she could open her heart to her husband, and share her feelings, her needs, her wants and her dreams with him, and that he would understand her, support her, be emotionally present and available to her and their children, and consistently partner with her to create a loving, happy, stable marriage and family.
Instead, she experienced a lot of sadness and a feeling of being alone in her marriage and as a mother. She could never be sure when her husband would be "in" and emotionally present with her and their children, or when he would be off spending time with his personal or work friends, or when he would be planning and taking work or church service trips that did not involve her, or providing service for others when she felt that their own family needed him more.
When she tried to talk to him about these issues, she rarely felt listened to or understood. Instead, he usually had "good reasons" for why he did the things he did, why he was not consistently present and available as a husband and father, as his first emotional investment and priority, and why it was always her fault that they had the problems that they did. He had an uncanny way of making her believe him, and making her look like the "bad guy" and he the innocent.
She began to feel more and more depressed, because after all, according to her husband, she was the one who was causing all the problems in their marriage. She felt frequently neglected as though she especially, and then their family was always last on his list. Her feelings of self-esteem and self-worth were seriously damaged. She couldn't change the situation with her husband no matter what she did, or how hard she tried.
After a period of time, when nothing substantial was really changing between them, she began to feel resentful and angry because the reality she was experiencing in her marriage, was definitely not what she thought marriage was, or what she hoped and dreamed of on their wedding day, or what she was taught to expect in their very marriage and family-oriented church.
The anger and resentment were the fuel that drove her to take action about it besides just going over and over her problems in her own mind, or with a friend. She contacted a local therapy group, and initiated therapy for herself and her husband.
He went, and he participated, and they learned to talk together better. They learned to share their feelings and needs, and they learned exercises that were supposed to help them solve their other problems. They learned to negotiate for solutions with one another. They learned to feel, give and receive unconditional love for each other. For a time, she had high hopes. She really hoped that their marriage was turning a corner for the better. She even considered having another baby.
Then the patterns and problems started again, and this time they were worse. All the communication and problem solving skills they had learned - all the ability to feel and empathize with the other's feelings - all the agreements that they negotiated to make changes between them - didn't last. They took these new problems with the old patterns to the therapist, who they both loved and felt understood by, and hoped that he would have something new, some "magic" he could work that would change things between them, and make their marriage better, even heal their marriage.
Meanwhile, the woman's personal life was changing; she discovered her professional calling in life. She discovered that she was to be a therapist too, and so she set her course to pursue that path.
The couple's marriage did not do as well. The year before she began graduate school, her husband left her for someone else. Despite everything they had been through, she was devastated at first. She got more help, this time for recovering from divorce, and by the time she began grad school, she was ready for it; ready also to begin her new life, and this time, ready to really find "Mr. Right".
The woman married the second time a year after completing graduate school, and she felt certain that she finally had the answers and what it takes to create the marriage she dreamed of. After all, she had learned and grown so much personally and professionally! She was now a marriage and family therapist herself and thought she then had all the answers for what it takes to create a happy marriage!
At first her new marriage started out beautifully; then to her shock and great hurt, terrible things began to happen ~ in some ways, things that were worse than what happened in her first marriage! Once again, according to her second husband, they were all her fault. This time, she really got to work, including using all her professional knowledge and skills, to try to turn things around. It was really remarkable, what she did, and how she grew, and what she was willing to do to attempt to heal and save her second marriage.
A Second Divorce
In the end, her second marriage did not turn around, and despite all that she had done and accomplished to that point to heal and save it, she found herself in the midst of a second divorce. She felt shocked and stunned, and grieved deeply because she had invested her whole heart and soul into that relationship, and more devastated than the first time to be dealing with yet another divorce.
In deep grief and mighty prayer, she asked a question.
Unknown to her at the time, she had found a lodestone ~ a magic question that when asked as she asked it, becomes a key ~ a key with power to open change. In the moment of asking that question that day, the course of her life changed, and she felt it happen! It was a magic question that held the potential she had looked for, for years before, to open the doorway for the fundamental change ~ the fundamental healing ~ she had been seeking.
Asking that question as she did, opened for her what needed to happen so she could really achieve her dream. She felt as if the heavens stopped and all eternity focused on her, and began rushing to her aid, to bring her the resources, the people, the experiences, the knowledge, the answers ~ and the solutions!~ in answer to her question.
Within a few months of the finalization of her second divorce, she met someone new ~ a man she would likely never have met or been interested in before, or he interested in her. She was close to 40, and he over 40 when they met. With this new love, she felt safe; she felt free to be herself; she felt deeply loved and valued ~ cherished even ~ as she never felt before. She found someone who wanted to share her dreams, and to support her in achieving them.
She found someone who understood her, and just as importantly, she found someone who she deeply understood, came to love, to cherish, to value and with whom she wanted to share his dreams. She found someone whose greatest delight is to be with her and to create a family with her ~ and her alone.
She found her Beloved, and within nine months of meeting, they were married.
If you haven't guessed by now, this is my story and every word is true.
My Beloved Larry and I have been married for over twenty-three years. While it hasn't always been automatic or easy, we are happily married, and our love grows deeper, richer and sweeter with every year.
I share this personal story with you to help you believe that this is possible for you too. You too, can create the loving marriage with your own Beloved that will make your heart sing.
You too, can live happily ever after. Learn more about how you can begin today.
Debra Brown Gordy, MS MRET is a Women’s Energy Psychology therapist & Spiritual Life Coach, & founder of The Sophia Women’s Institute. She specializes in inner child healing, relationship coaching & intimacy counseling, & divorce coaching for accomplished, spiritually-awakening women. She has advanced expertise in Energy Psychology methods, including Rapid Eye Technology & Soul Detective Healing.
Through unique Energy Therapy & Spiritual Life Coaching programs & Women’s Sacred Practices, she guides clients through the inner healing & transformation they need to achieve the outer results they Desire, & the soul-satisfying life they love.
To learn more, visit The Sophia Women’s Institute